Sitting Quietly With Spirit

I didn't do anything for the High Holy Days this year, which is something I regret. The timing just didn't work out, I guess.

Today, though, is Sukkot and the first full moon of the Jewish New Year. I woke up to a text from my former metamour, who had dropped off a purse I requested be returned to me. I had purchased that purse with money my deceased grandmother had given me and had recently turned a corner with my gender where I knew I would use purses again.

I then went to my therapy session where we went several layers deep into my bitterness and found within me a very old and very sad Jew dressed in black garments and crying. Generations of trauma and losing homes, possessions, loved ones behind me have made it so that in some circumstances I cannot look upon positivity without suspicion. I emit bitterness when I am afraid of being disappointed.

After session, I retrieved a box of matzah I keep on hand for ancestor work, added some jarred horseradish I happened to have from making fire cider a few weeks back, and asked my ancestors at the shrine to take this nourishment to my family members who had survived or even perished from pogroms and other violent historical evacuations. I then ate with them. The horseradish burned so much upon consumption I almost thought it would dry my tears.

I sat with them in fetal position and allowed myself to be embraced by them for some minutes. I said nothing. I asked nothing. I just was.

So many occult and spiritual texts about utility and never a word about Just Being with spirit. I won't extol the benefits here. I just encourage you to try it yourself.

I concluded by playing a beautiful version of the Kol Nidre off YouTube, something I wish I had done on Yom Kippur.

Shanah Tovah.