My Experience With Being Rejected By a Goddess

I am currently gearing up to summon a certain deity, whom I believe I may have affinity. I first planned to do this months ago and I am not so sure what is holding me back. He is a seriously divisive figure, but not in my background and there is potential in us having a nice chat at the minimum. I believe that my anxiety about the summoning may source in fear of rejection so I am going to explore this by talking about the only time I was full-out rejected by a god.

Slight tangent: while I am a person who is much more comfortable with death than the average bear due to personally witnessing a lot of its healing and creative potential, I also hate ghosts. Like have seen a number of them and I am simply not a fan of their presence! In particular, what I may have seen were shades because all of them appeared to me with at least some of the following characteristics: male-ish, middling brown skin, dark hair, blank soulless eyes, bizarrely lengthy gaits/postures, and noticeably out-of-place but not necessarily historical clothing. Most people find it funny to hear that I got into a minor tiff with the first one I ever interacted with and so he decided to harass me by leaving a photo of himself (before we called them "selfies") on my pink Razr phone. That really dates me and that encounter, eh?

So with aversion to common spirits like that, what could Persephone Queen of the Dead possibly do with me?

I didn't realize that when I first reached out to her, I just was kind of a fangirl. Her myth was dark, melancholy, very goth. Pomegranates are some of the best fruits in the world. Seasons are cool too. I'm new to my polytheist path, let's worship her, why not!!!

Except I was a bitch while I did it. If I recall correctly, I might have issued a prayer and drew some pigs for Persephone, having read that live pigs used to be sacrificed to her historically. This would have gotten her attention right before I decided to get into a sort of dick-swinging situation—as I so often did, in retrospect, before realizing I am a guy—with someone I knew who also considered reaching out to her. As I was drawing or writing something in relation to Persephone, I thought something rude about this person and their spiritual practice. I can't remember what it was, but I do very clearly recall even now the sharp voice rebuking me and telling me to "not be so critical."

I had had nice interactions with Apollo and Athena at that point, light enough that I could have told myself I was having some cool fantasies. That was the first time it was almost completely undeniable that that I had experienced external spiritual input. And it was mean to me! Rightfully so, but damn!

After that point, I asked Persephone through bibliomancy using Emily Wilson's translation of The Odyssey multiple times if I could worship her. I got a "no" every single time. One of the exact quotes I fell on after a repeat ask was, "Child, wake up!"

Okay, this is a really embarrassing story, I can see now why I am afraid of potential deity rejection. Thanks for going on this journey with me, everyone!

If I were to put a positive spin on this, however—as I always do immediately to process a traumatic event before my therapist forces me to get back in my feelings—I learned several things from this experience. One, it doesn't matter how much of a fan you are of a deity aesthetically, you need to be an appropriate candidate for their work or otherwise have compatibility with their essence in that way only they can discern and will let you know. Two, doing a devotional act that involves concentration toward the deity like writing or drawing really does connect you to them. Three, don't behave negatively or impolitely while performing those devotional acts.

I also want to say that my experience with Persephone is highly unusual. It's fairly common for new practitioners to come into the occult Discord servers I frequent and worriedly ask before they attempt to contact a deity what a rejection looks like. I have certainly been rejected by other deities, but I don't recall which ones because they just ignored me and I moved on. At this point I can tell which gods are keepers because when we meet they are quite vibrant in their introductions and our energies mutually latch onto each other's.

(For those of you who haven't experienced that... It's similar to when someone you're close to enters the room and you two excitedly run up to each other.)

As for the latest deity I want to contact, I think I just need to find a free night in the next few days, suck it up, and do it. I have something special to wear, I have something special to bring, I have a prayer on hand from Jason Miller, and I have learned since my Persephone days how to be a better host. If the results are remarkable, I'll certainly let you know!