Mea Culpa: The "Logic" of Too Much Testosterone

Yesterday, I found out that my testosterone level was 765 out of the 300-770 average range. Meaning that I currently have the testosterone level at the high end of the average male. This was incredibly shocking and also deeply upsetting to me because that is 600 mg up from the last time I was tested 2 months ago. Testosterone levels in general don't usually and, I suspect, should probably not go up that fast. But it sure explains why I have felt like shit the past week.

I am currently taking two forms of testosterone; gel and topical. I have been microdosing the gel nearly the whole time of my 4 month-old transition because I noticed I'm really sensitive to it. I should have done the same with the topical, but you live and you learn. At first upon learning of my test results, I thought I was gonna die or something based on what some of my more cautious friends said, but my doctor was unconcerned and said I wasn't. So much for the dangers of gender affirming care, I guess.

Anyway, by what I meant earlier when I say I felt like shit is that I am extremely irritable and slightly paranoid. I want to get away from pretty much everybody in person. Only my internet friends are tolerable (hi internet friends reading this!) because other bodies are gross and should not go near me. Behaviorwise, I seem monotone and probably slightly pissed off, which is probably a significant factor in two women I am emotionally close to yelling at me.

What's hilarious about my end of our disputes is that when I said to them, "I don't have capacity for you in my life" or "maybe you should date someone else" I genuinely thought I was being logical.

So now it's like, well now I know where this stupid macho shit comes from in our culture. You know the one. Some weirdo wanders into your Discord server and is like "I will not fight with people who are being EMOTIONAL, I only work with LOGIC." And it's like sir. It doesn't matter how autistic you are, every single social response a human has goes through the area of the brain where emotions live so rapidly you cannot reroute that shit.

It's just a total lack of self-awareness and I almost get it now. If you don't know that you are feeling emotionally uncomfortable because uncomfortable is your baseline, how the hell do you know that you are in fact not coming from a rational place? But also, people who believe this need to deconstruct their idea of masculinity and selfhood and really should go to therapy. And our society should stop going along with this grand misunderstanding of Spock.

Anyway, on the flipside of this too high of testosterone level, I am so at my limit that my boundaries have improved significantly. For the first time in my life, I told a stranger at a cafe to please stop talking to me because I was busy. Which, in turn, has made me highly aware of how people habitually ignore individuals' who they perceive as women social cues of wanting to be left alone and expect to be catered to anyway. And also, makes me realize how I just went along with that my entire life because I was trained to feel bad if I didn't. Even at its worst, testosterone (and therefore Mars) has its important lessons.

Also, don't worry about me. Doc adjusted my dose and said I should probably start feeling better in about a week. Then it's microdose city from here on out!