How to Practice Magic When You're Inconsistent
Maybe I'm just fated to be a cosmic weirdo even among other cosmic weirdos. A big reason I named this blog what I did, with the About angle that I have up as of this writing, is that I feel like a lot of occultists including those who sell and teach popular courses are hardcore disciplinarians. This is understandable to an extent because something that separates occultists from many solitary witches is an interest and loyalty to older systems of magic and spirit work. It's also at its core somewhat reasonable—for instance, you probably really should try to attempt meditating daily.
However, I say attempt because it is not always realistic for me, who is a person with ADHD and an ascendant lord in Gemini, to have a consistent practice. For my part, I came from an extremely rigid childhood and it took years—mostly through repeated messages from my guides and ancestors—for me to understand that I am never going to do Exactly One Thing with my life. Discipline isn't going to change that and neither is making myself spiritually ill by not constantly pursuing innovation and adaptability. Now that I fully understand that I am androgynous and polyamorous, I now know that my life isn't going to look remotely "normal" either. In fact, I want to have at least 5 different careers before I retire, at least 2 partners while practicing relationship anarchy, and to continue pursuing my various interests in order to make my life colorful and exciting.
A lot of the resources by the previously mentioned occultists are predicated on the idea of upward mobility and normalcy, though. Some of them suggest you get highly detailed about the outcome you want, which my spirits have made very clear that they would rather I not do in order to not overly restrict myself and them. Additionally, these commonly accepted approaches rarely truly recognize queerness* and the emphasis on "results" can come off as utilitarian, even capitalist. So it took me a long time to realize that while occultists who don't share my background or make up can offer ideas, I need to build my own personal framework that allows me the flexibility to change the details of how I am working and worshipping. I also am in the ongoing process of redefining what fulfillment means to me.
What this nets out to in the meantime is the usage of intentional magic and unintentional magic.
Intentional magic is when there is a specific goal I have, e.g., establishing a relationship with Saturn. You may notice that Saturn is the planet of discipline, which made this process slightly more intimidating than approaching all the other planets. These are the questions I asked myself before I officially approached her:
- What can I do to fulfill X spiritual goal?
- Am I actually interested in doing it, or is it just a thing I feel I have to do?
- What time or resources do I have to commit to it?
- Is this a permanent practice or can it be temporary?
In this case, as a planet worshipper with a strong affinity for Saturn (and a strong natal Saturn placement, which many occultists have), of course I wanted to better understand and connect with her. This fed into both an individual goal of spirit relationship as well as the holistic plan to connect with all planetary spirits. But I also recognized that this was not a situation of which I would be able to commit months of work (nor was this necessary) because there are very few ventures to which I have committed that length of time.
As a solution, because Saturn's number is 9, I ultimately pledged 9 Saturn hours on 9 Saturdays wherein I prayed the Orphic Hymn and offered incense. I did not decide on an incense previously and ended up playing around and trying different ones to keep myself engaged. This was helpful because I did successfully connect with Saturn and through my explorations was also able to observe that she appreciated the extra effort for the styrax moreso than she liked the myrrh, although myrrh is noted by multiple traditional texts and contemporary occultists to be acceptable. Ultimately, I mostly value my long-term relationship with Saturn, but in terms of short-term results, she was willing to provide aid for undoing old behavioral patterns that I was struggling with.
All that said, I have received just as impactful results with my unintentional spiritual efforts. Here are the questions I ask when I come across a new grimoire I may try or a new spellcasting idea:
- Does this feel good to me? Am I curious and excited about this?
- Am I getting signs that this is right for me, either through omens or the understanding that this new thing fits into either my astrolatry or Jewish magical work?
- Are the tools or resources needed to embark on this exploration already obtained or coming to me easily?
These questions were also most relevant to me in the beginning of my magical and pagan journey. For instance, worshipping Apollo felt correct from the start as I was already obsessed with him. I was excited to find ways to connect with him. I got a pretty loud sign worshipping him was right for me when I prayed to him for the first time while in a desperate situation and had one of my first psychic experiences in response. Eventually, although this took a good couple of years, he got me to move 3000 miles from where I was born in order to live in a place that is much more suitable for my soul (this place also has an extremely direct connection with the unique way I started worshipping Apollo, which I may share in another blog post if I get permission).
So if you take anything from this post, while daily routines and discipline are productive parts of the magical journey, don't feel mandated to make them the backbone of your practice. If anything—keeping in mind that there are as many ways to practice magic as there are magicians—the core of your practice, especially at the beginning, should actually be about fucking around and finding out. Through that, grow your intuition and understand what is right for you. It may not always be transactional in that your efforts pay off to something that's exactly what you want, but that flexibility is far more likely to lead to a more sustainable spiritual practice.
*Queer in the definition of "being at odds with everything around it" per bell hooks.
