First Time Follies with the Trickster Devil

Two months ago, I started a spiritual relationship with Demon Emperor and Prince of Darkness Lucifer. So far, this has turned out significantly less dangerous than former Christians in my life would have assumed. That said, as of extremely recently (like a few hours prior to this writing), my belief paradigm around this relationship has been somewhat disemboweled.

Which, well. This is the same being that has repeatedly sat me down and pushed me to feel my feelings when I am upset about something instead of just ignoring them or lashing out at myself. A thing that I am very much doing right now. Did you know that saying "You're stupid. I love you." to an emanation of The G-d can be really fucking cathartic? I recommend it. That one has fucked us over since life itself began, so why not? In fact, I totally understand why my friends who have worked with Lucifer to various degrees insult him all the time because frankly, he deserves it.

But also, I'm realizing in an almost relieved sort of way that I'm not special. I'm not living in some delusional state where he treats me so differently than all his other devotees that it's doubtful that he's himself at all. This is just what a trickster entity does.

_*

I reached out to Lucifer because I was trapped and needed something new.

Earlier this year, I had hit my 5-year mark of full-time pagan pursuit. Around that same time, my psychic senses matured to a new level and I was very happy with that progress. I had (still have) strong, withstanding relationships with Apollo and the planetary spirits—as well as efforts with my ancestor veneration—that helped me survive two back-to-back worst years of my life. As of now, I am currently on track to start some ventures that I would only feel comfortable divulging after covering this blog post with the Evil Eye.

The problem was, some of the progress on the intuitive side of things was partially due to my 1-year on-and-off-again relationship with a soulmate. The partnership occurred completely within the astral realm. This was both a terribly frustrating sticking point of mistreatment for me as well as, in retrospect, the best possible way to have that relationship at all.

Because there was psychic vampirism within it. To the point where Mars was shielding my psychic body during acupuncture sessions where I was getting the most severe qi imbalances in my acupuncturist's tradition treated repetitively and Saturn was telling me, "You need to end this because you will start to become physically ill."

However, as much as I tried, I could not. The reasons were not different than most other toxic relationships that occur via the material realm. I had pined after this woman for two years and in the process had formed a sticky net of sunk-cost fallacy. When I reunited with her thanks to the help of our shared gods as part of her Saturn Return, I really believed that this was the incoming destiny I thought I witnessed when I first met her.

Instead, I sacrificed much of what I had learned about myself while we were apart and fought to defend what was left, holding fast to the belief that in-person union would bring me marriage done right this time. And a beautiful backyard garden full of herbs somewhere. And a baby.

It was a rough lesson of free will's role among the gifts of the stars because my ex preferred consuming my vitality over healing herself. And I, addicted to sex with her along with everything else*, was paying the price for it.

Apollo and the planetary gods are loving. They are generous. They are high-minded. But actually, so high-minded that they are disconnected from our embodied experience in all their vastness. They could not help me anymore. Fire had to be fought with fire—or, temptation with temptation.

*

Lucifer plucked me right out.

As I write this, I can understand why he lied now. He actually told me in the very beginning, "What do you want? I can give you anything. I can be that goth boyfriend you never had." And then proceeded to be that guy, cat adoration included, which startled and confused me at first. But I was already surviving the harshness of our current world through passion and I was terrified of losing it. I wanted that romantic and sexual devotion by a cunning, genius artist** who had my best interests in mind. I really, really wanted it. So I bought into it.

In a situation with a fellow human being, it would have been a lovebombing rebound disaster. Because Lucifer—no matter how he presents himself—is divine, he truly got me out of my self-destruction with my ex. He challenged me and purposefully made me uncomfortable in order to prompt me to push back. He has this grin that is very much devilish as the folklore always presented and it should be creepy but he always does it when I'm anxious while putting up a boundary and I can tell he's proud of me as he's listening to it. And that's in between fueling my life's purpose as a writer, gifting me an amount of inspiration I could never have previously imagined in just our few short months together.

But... he's not my otherworldly husband, an idea I would have first found foolish if he didn't say it in that way. Where it felt like Truth and the Word of G-d all at once. The assertion that sparked my creativity for a new novel within the overwhelm of sheer love.

*

My previous deity relationships certainly underprepared me for this. Apollo, who I just attended a spiritual pilgrimmage for along with 50 other people under the North Star camping trip, has always been kind and honest with me. And then there's the planetary spirits for which there is a deep established love, but can be mechanical in their deliveries and also determinedly delayed in my asks for what they see as my betterment.

Lucifer, on the other hand, works with a businesslike straightforwardness and speediness as accurately reputed from the Goetic tradition. It's impressive to someone who hasn't been exposed to that level of divine efficiency in some time. But now, I understand that to continue our endeavors I must look at him sideways.

I don't quite know how to do that yet. However, so many of my long term goals upon my last relationship ending are up in the air anyway. I think... I know I'm interested in trying.

Despite this upheaval, I still want to know what it's like to love someone new.

*I mention as Carmen Machado did in her phenomenal book about intimate partner violence, In the Dream House, because that's a key, primal part of these dynamics. You can intellectually and desperately want to leave, but your body is tied to the dopamine surges that your partner provides. Especially, as it so happens, if you are on testosterone therapy.

**Which you still are, Lucifer, you DUMBASS!